10 ways to lose a friend, on purpose!

Don’t you sometimes wish there was a greeting card you could give a friend that says “Thank you for all the years, but this relationship is no longer healthy or fun, and I’m really not getting anything out of it! So good luck and take care, good bye and God Bless”

It’s not that easy, as those cards are super hard to find. Sometimes an annoying friend needs to go away or they are just too much work, so after a lot of thinking, I have developed a fab list of 10 things you can do to make that pesky downer friend go away.

10. Start matching all your outfits to hers.

Call in advance to every social gathering no matter how trivial and inquire in detail to what they are wearing and either one, match as closely as possible or if money is no object, buy the same outfit. When you see her, the first couple of times, she’ll be tickled pink that you like her style so much, but eventually it will be annoying. She might even try to be sneaky and try to throw you off…but keep up the diligent detective work and try to style your hair similar if possible as well.

9. Make plans, but then take a nap instead of showing up.

This is an obvious one, make plans and then don’t show up, only to be napping. This is best done if you are meeting at someone’s house or a 3rd party location. When she calls to find you, tell her you are taking a nap instead, without an apology. It’s not just rude, but a great way to let her know that casual napping is more important than meeting her.

8. Sleep with her boyfriend/husband/partner.

OK, mind you this one is tough if you’re in a relationship yourself, but isn’t it worth getting rid of her? The tricky thing may be getting the “other” to sleep with you…but constant flirtation and the whole “matching” looks may help…try to ply them with liquor or promises of love.

7. Disagree with them (a lot)

In social situations with your other friends, disagree with her a lot. No matter what she says:  politics, relationships, religion, hot actors, child abuse, crime, having pets…. You get the gist; just always take the opposite side of things. Of course your other friends might think you’re off your rocker, but the effect will be very productive and really piss her off. It’s a great way to make her feel frustrated and hopefully walk away from the relationship.

6. Agree with them (a lot)

The opposite approach would be to agree with them all the time. It’s a needy approach, especially if you look adoringly at them “you’re so right”. It might be pleasant for her at first, but then it will be creepy and potentially a deal breaker. Again, same disclaimer, you’re other friends might think you’re nuts but its temporary.

5. Don’t call, text, email her back?

This is a tried and true one. Especially if you claim to have never gotten the messages or text, and especially great if you tell her this in an earnest cartoon character voice. My preference is Spongebob or maybe Deputy Dog?

4. Talk about her behind her back, but loudly

So it’s not really talking about her behind her back…but it is still super mean and effective. Be selective about what you talk about, make them trivial. “OMG, did you see her how much butter she put on her toast?”, “Did you see her attempt take two steps at a time?”, “I heard she is allergic to shellfish, so lame!” or “Why is she wearing that?” (also be ironic, as you match her). Trust me, she’ll figure out something is aloof righta way.

3. Specific for coffee drinkers

If you like to go out to Starbucks or other coffee ventures, always insist to pay and ask how she likes her coffee…but of course order it wrong, every time. For die hard coffee drinkers, this is an awesome way to piss her off as one, you can’t recall how she likes her coffee which is a friendship breaker and two, you order it wrong every time. Trick is with this one, you do apologize for the error, so she feels bad that you’re so dumb and has to drink a triple shot, tall with extra soy milk and 10 packets of Splenda.

2. Blame her for all your misfortune or mishaps.

From everything from other failed relationships to spilling your cocktail, blame her. “You pushed me”, “You made me feel insecure, so I slept with another guy and ruined my relationship”, “I had a bad hair day because I was thinking about how difficult you are”, “I got that DUI, because you made me drive drunk” …It’s not only annoying, but eventually she’s get sick of it and want to be away from you in general.

1. Lastly, a homemade card

While noted in the beginning, there is a market for “end of relationship” cards has not been tapped. So make a few prototypes and give them to her to look at, and tell her “I had you in mind when I made these”

Don’t make me say this is satirical, but I will as some people are not so clever.
Just for fun, here is a free “end of friendship card” for you to print and home and share. It fits onto a 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper. Enjoy.


Andrea Leppert
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